Thursday, January 05, 2006

How to be a Good Fuck Buddy

Almost entitled: HOW NOT TO BE A BIG, GIANT VAGINA. I decided against the orignal title because the vagina is a beautiful thing that provides immense amounts of pleasure. In all likelihood a fuck buddy is capable of being neither of those things.

If you are reading this I assume that you beleive yourself worthy of being somebody's fuck buddy. If you are reading this I assume you need help in achieving this goal. If you are reading this I assume you are capable of being stupid enough to fuck up a fuck buddy relationship. If you are too stupid to maintain a fuck buddy relationship, I am surprised that you can remember to breath. Please, exit to the left... put on a helmet, just to be safe.

The Real Reason you are a Fuck Buddy

You may think it is because you are so stunningly attractive that your buddy just can't keep his or her hands to his/herself. Please, take your head out of your ass and cautiously enter reality, it may hurt so be careful. You are a fuck buddy because "you'll do"... that's it. If your partner needs to get laid, but can't find someone with whom they are willing to be seen in public, they adopt a fuck buddy. Your job, as the fuck buddy, is to clumsily attempt to satisfy your partner until they find someone whose sexual company they actually enjoy. This brings us to the first rule of maintaining a happy fuck buddy relationship.

1) Get over yourself. As I have said earlier, if you are fuck buddy you are the bottom of the barrel choice. You are not desired, you are simply available.

2) The fuck buddy relationship is not a power struggle. The majority of power in any relationship is held by the party who has less to lose should the relationship fail. In this situation, neither of you have anything to lose except a few nights of mediocre sex. You did not coerce anyone into sleeping with you, by acquiring a fuck budy all you have done is get get someone to think, "meh, okay".

3) Remember you couldn't do any better either. If you have a fuck buddy, anyone you considered worthy of you time didn't want to have anything to do with you. That is why you settled.

4) Rule #2 and Rule #3 are, in fact, the same rule. It is an important one, write it down. If you are illiterate or have trouble comprehending writing that is not composed entirely of webspeak, copy it down word for word and put it under your pillow. Pray you can learn through osmosis.

5) You were friends first. If you want to be friends later, don't fuck it up. This is a very low maintanence relationship, if you can't figure out how to make it work your partner will surely figure out that you aren't worth their time anyway. Don't be an ass.

A Good Candidate for a Fuck Buddy

What the ideal fuck buddy is thinking:

a) " I'm horney"
b) " I am drunk"
c) "__________________________________ "

Option C is ideal.


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9:09 PM  
Blogger mahreen said...

I hope you'd write more. You make an awful lota sense to me.

8:21 PM  
Blogger judge said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

3:15 PM  
Blogger judge said...

I dont agree with you. S'pose fuck budy is another human being and give her respect. I tell you my own experience.

I never lied to her, told her truth no matter how painful it is. Never had intercourse whereas we stimulate each other everyday (mutual masterbation)!!
she is getting married and i am very happy about it. I will participate fully and will stop talking to her afterwards. We know our limits and respect each others. and we love to bits each other.

3:20 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Please shoot me an e-mail. I am Miss Martini and I like your work. Maybe we can collaborate.

9:01 AM  
Blogger ern said...

This blog is fucking garbage and totally not true. Maybe in some asshole & bitches lives this is the case, but for the rest of us.... Grow the fuck up!

5:26 PM  
Blogger Madison Acri said...

Omg u sound like an old f buddy
It hurts but hood to hear it.. but still akways remember we have feelings but thank u

2:41 AM  
Blogger Tawsif Chowdhury said...

Very smart and forward thinking
Thanks for a valuable article.
Believe this might be terribly useful.
fuck buddy

1:03 AM  

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